Have you ever woke up and felt no feeling, like your mind was numb? Then the next minute you can’t stop the million and one things running through your head. This is one way I can describe it. ‘It’ being the not very talked about condition that is depression. When I started this blog I told myself I wanted to every now and again use it to share posts like this. Posts that not only help me, but I hope can help people reading this. One of the worst parts about this condition is the way it can make you feel alone. I myself only have a small circle of family and friends, and I rely on them so much. When I really think about it I rely on them more than what I think a normal person my age would. But I feel a big cause of this is my life experiences, and this is what has shaped me to be the person I am today. I wrote a post about Living with a pituitary tumour, which you can find here if you would like to find out a bit more about this.
I feel not many people understand how depression can make someone feel, and don’t realise the implications it can have on a persons life. At the moment it’s having a big impact on my life on a daily basis. My emotions are so up and down, and it’s a struggle to just try and switch off for a minute or two. I feel I’m constantly putting on an act so people around me don’t see the upset, frustration and anxiety I am battling against inside. Do you know what’s now happening as I write this? I’m sat here worrying about how people are going to take this post, and hoping I don’t get a negative reaction to it. I haven’t even finished writing it yet and my minds already playing games. With me it can not only be different from one day to the next, but sometimes it can change throughout the day. I can be so anxious one day, that I don’t want to leave the house or do anything on my own. Then the next day I’m feeling as fine as I can be, and my anxiety stays hidden. It’s such a mixture it’s hard to predict, but things that happen through out the day have a big impact on how I will be. I don’t know what way I will react till I am faced with it, but the most common reactions are crying, panicking, isolating myself, and frustration.
With depression I think people who have never experienced it themselves struggle to show empathy. This is made more difficult because it’s an illness you can not see. But when your the person going through these horrible feelings inside; people not being able to understand or show any empathy makes it so much harder. I don’t hate the people around me who don’t understand, as how are they expected to when I don’t really understand myself. I just need them to be my support when I need them, say something positive when all I think is negative, be my shoulder to cry on, and just make me feel I can go to them with any problems no matter how big or small. I feel so lucky to have my loved ones around me, they literally mean the world to me. None of this is their fault, and I sometimes feel they take the brunt of it. But again that is all a part of this; you end up not only hurting yourself but hurting the ones closest to you.
How I can describe my depression is something that is always there hidden, but likes to make an appearance every now and again. Unfortunately that time is now for me, but I have beaten it before so I can beat it again I’m sure. Something I feel has had a huge impact on how I’m feeling currently, is the fact I lost my Nan 4 weeks ago. She died age 84 which is an amazing age, and she had lived an incredible life. We knew it was going to happen, as the doctors had prepared us. But this didn’t make it any easier in the slightest. I didn’t know how I would feel, but now that I do I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. I feel I’ve been trying to be strong for everyone around me, but now I feel I can no longer be the strong one. I want to cry, I want to listen to sad songs, I want to look through hundreds of photos, I want to watch the videos one more time, because I need to grieve the loss of my Nan. So as you can imagine this is a big part of why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling at the moment, and why the depression and anxiety has re-appeared.
Tiredness can play a big part in it all, and some days I literally want to just sit in my pyjamas all day and sleep. Some think actually being on your own can make it worse, and yes sometimes maybe it does. But the majority of the time I feel better on my own during the day, as I feel safe at home and know I’m not going to face any challenges. I get it may sound confusing, as at the beginning of the post I explained how this condition can make you feel alone; but now I’m saying I feel better on my own. Trust me I am as confused as you are, but this is what this illness can do to you. You are constantly battling with your own mind; frustrated you have no control over what its thinking. The constant low mood can be draining on yourself and the people around you, that is why some put on a sort of act. I have done because I don’t want to upset my loved ones, and I worry they won’t understand why I feel and act the way I sometimes do. But like me you can reach a point where you can no longer hide it, and in a way you need to be a little bit selfish and try to think of yourself. I feel your mind can be your worst enemy sometimes, and in a weird way I know the worrying, over-thinking, and panicking is just part of the anxiety which makes everything seem worse than what it is. But even knowing this, it doesn’t seem to help you when you’re feeling your worst.
Anyone reading this who can relate to any of the above, I want you to know there is ALWAYS someone there. Don’t battle this alone, it is easier with help and support from people around you…I will now read this advice back to myself! I’m sorry if I have upset anyone with anything I’ve said, but like I said at the beginning I wanted to share posts like this to try and not only help myself but to help others.
Thankyou to those who have took the time to read this post. In a way it has really helped me writing it all out, I think this is because I know someone is going to read it and someone is listening. One of the best therapies is saying your worries out loud, and having a listening ear.