I am currently having a difficult time with life at the moment, it has all got on top of me and I feel like I have hit a brick wall. If I really think about it (which I do a LOT) this has been hovering for a long time now. I would even go as far as saying it started since I lost my nan back in November 2017. She was a big part of my life, and I suppose I was for her. I was involved a lot in caring for my nan, hospital appointments, home visits etc. All of this made our bond stronger than what it already was, which then contributed to making losing her even harder. It has been over a year since losing my nan, and to this day I don’t feel as if I have grieved yet. Don’t get me wrong I have cried, over and over, and still do now near enough every day where I often think about her. But I just don’t think I have gone through the grieving process, or what I imagine is the grieving process. It’s not real to me, I still wake up thinking it never happened, and cannot get my head around that a year has passed as quickly as it has. It’s bought back anxiety, but in a different way. I used to get anxious about being in a large group of people, having to do new things, leaving the house etc but now its more about life, the people around me, and whats happening next. I’m so worried about where my life is going, or to be totally honest more where it isn’t going. People have said to not have expectations and everyones lives pan out differently, and I get this, just not when I’m feeling my worst.
I describe it as a cloud to my family, who I know struggle so much to understand it all. A cloud that is just following me around, which I try to keep away, but every so often it gets bigger and makes everything dark and I just can’t stop it. When this happens all I want to do is curl up, have some time to myself and let all the held in emotions out. I then tend to punish myself, and start all the thinking, judging, expecting, and it all just carries on like that. I want to keep all the ones I love safe, and am so anxious about them getting hurt, ill or for anything bad to happen to them. I don’t think I could cope with losing someone else in my life. Thats why I think I like to spend a lot of time with the ones I love because they are what is most important to me, and are who I wake up for every day. Without them I wouldn’t have the strength I must have somewhere within to keep going. About six months ago I started to find everything overwhelming and decided to ask for professional help. I used to see a mental health professional at a local hospital and he helped me through depression and anxiety a few years ago. I called my GP surgery, the secretary of the specialist I see, and anyone I could to ask for a new referral or whatever they recommended. I cried to someone down the phone and begged them to help me and tell me what was wrong, they got me an appointment with a therapist at my local wellness centre. This person sat me down, said only a few words and then that was it the appointment was over. I was basically asked if I wanted to end my own life, if it was that severe. I answered no and tried to explain that death is what I’m most anxious about, and what I fear the most. I was offered group therapy which I would need to find and book myself, and then that was the end of that. I left feeling worthless, alone, and embarrassed. Embarrassed because it made me think that the person I saw thought I was making it all up, that they thought I was wasting their time, because they made the decision that I didn’t deserve the help. This was a bit of a knock back, and I went on to see my GP a few times, who recommended vitamins along with other remedies. I decided to just try to put it to the back of my mind, as I felt exhausted from not only what I was going through but the stress of trying to find the help and support I feel I needed. I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager, which I think is all linked with my Pituitary condition personally. It’s something I know I need to try and learn to live with, and that I need to fight it and not let it beat me.
– Way easier to say than do! –
This time around its all hit me quite hard, and I will admit I am struggling quite a lot. I’m constantly trying to figure out where my life is going, where I want it to go, and what I can change about my life to make me happy again. Every day I’ve been trying to do something positive or productive in some way, because I know that normally makes me feel better even if it is only for a short while. But the main things I’m going to be getting help with is bereavement and this ‘mental cloud’, so as soon as I get my appointment through I can hopefully start to learn new ways to cope and start to feel better.
This isn’t a feel sorry for me post, or anything like that. I find it helps to share my feelings, whats going on, and my journey. I often read blog posts like this and I find it helps to know I’m not alone and that things can only get better. This was just a little life update for you all, and even though it may not be overly positive this time I still wanted to share it as this is one of the main reasons I started Laurlylou.com.